I hope everyone is feeling happy and loved. To my fellow Humboldtians: I hope you have someone to help cuddle the cold away on these rainy nights that just keep getting increasingly darker, earlier. Boo!
Ok, Health. It's a chronic illness (and more) blog, so ya. I don't really feel like talking about it as it's become so incredibly frustrating. But that's what we do, right? We share our stories. This Rhuemy I've been seeing in SF seems to know his stuff. I'm hopeful. As for finding a local primary care doc, it's been a nightmarish joke. Not many doctors want to deal with chronic pain patients. This is especially true now after the hydrocodone rescheduling. This is downright infuriating and a heavy nuisance to the patients who actually need, and use their meds correctly. If you are a fellow Spoonie, chances are you are dealing with this, and know exactly what I am talking about. Things just aren't working out as I had hoped. I've written numerous letters, begging doctors who aren't taking new patients to see me. I've called just about every doc here, only to be told either that A )their practice is full, or B) they don't deal with autoimmune disorders or chronic pain cases. I moved back from LA hoping to get the care I needed while not going completely broke like I was. Now I can't find a primary care doc to coordinate with my specialist. Obtaining health care shouldn't be this difficult. I find myself constantly thinking about moving to places where care is more easily accessible. As far as my specialist and I know, Sjögren's hasn't started attacking any internal organs, aside from my lungs. No scar tissue has built up in them, which is great news. I have however developed asthma. No real biggie. A sexy little inhaler takes care of that. Humboldt is growing cold, dark, and rainy. This can become quit depressing if one is deprived of snuggles. I will have a small reprieve next month when I visit LA around Thanksgiving. Sun! Bikes! Friends! Venice Beach! Ya, I'm looking forward to this. Spring semester isn't that far off! Yesssss! I am happy about this. I feel well enough to pull off some classes, and going to school makes me feel better anyway. I'm at my happiest when in school, even with the stress of certain classes. Two semesters ago I had to drop out because of my health. Even though I'm still feeling shitty, I don't feel quite as shitty as when I had to drop out. Let's do this! Yeah boi! Halloween happened. I wasn't able to harvest the umph this year to costume up. I did a little makeup, nothing special. No Dia de Los Muertos makeup this year. My skin is so damn dry from Sjögren's that I didn't feel like fucking with it by layering a shit-ton of cheap, drug store, Halloween makeup on it. Don't think for a second that I'm not hydrating enough. I'm a fucking mermaid. Good, clean water always within reach. You know how I do, reverse-osmosis, alkaline "Silk Water." Anyway, my dog's Halloween costumes are packed away, so I just dressed them in their badass, everyday shirts and hoodies.
Dia De Los Muertos
They say the veil between the dead and the living is at its thinnest starting on November first and ending on the second. My shrines had been dedicated mainly to four people, but as of this year it's now five. First off, my stunningly beautiful, selfless friend, Crystal Reohr, aka Kitty. She was an extremely loving mother of, technically two, since she was pregnant with her second child when she passed on. She was in a car wreck on a very windy road at night. Completely sober. Something happened, only she knows what. Giovanni was in a car seat in the back and survived the wreck. Crystal was/is a beautiful person inside and out. She was selfless and giving. Besides the fact that our friendship had such a profound impact on me (she helped turn me into a bad kid. Corruption! Haha. Lots of fun stories there!) she passed away on October 31st, Halloween. Just one day off from when Dia De Los Muertos begins. To me it feels like the veil is extra thin in her case. She had a beautiful wake. There was a slideshow of her with us friends, and with her family. All of our friends were there, and her family baked cake in the shape of a pink kitty cat which she would've loved!
He was sooo little! And she, so beautiful.
Crystal is pictured far right with her family. Her mom is holding Crystal's son Giovanni.
Me, Crystal, and my little sister Caitlyne. Taken during the year of my shaved head. If you look closely, it's obvious we are up to no good. She is wearing her Kitty shirt.
This turned out to be a wild night! Partyin at Cheshire's house.
Beach bonfire party at Cannibal Island. I loved when she wore her glasses.
Next is my great grandma Mildred Barnes, one of my favorite buddies ev.er. I spent a lot of time hangin out with grams as a teen, wish I still could. I used to massage her crusty old feet with lotion. It totally grossed me out, but she loved it! And that's the kind of thing you do for a great grandma. I have some awesome grandma stories. Still to this day she cracks me up when I think back on her antics. On a different note, she had this crazy, growly, yappy, biting, 4 lb mutt named Tanya. Everybody hated that dog except for Grandma. All our pictures of her are in my mom's old school photo albums. You know those ones with the adhesive pages that actually glued the picture into place? Meh. Wish I could post one.
Now on to my grandpa Eddie. He was an amazing man. Clever, a successful entrepreneur, and a true family man. Also a primal man who would crack open the bones of whatever creature he was eating at the time in order to suck the marrow out of the bones. Perhaps this contributed to my vegetarianism.... He and my grandma owned a printing press that my dad and my aunt both worked at. My little sis and I spent a lot of time there as kids. I would pretend to do important work in the darkroom, or at a desk cutting up trashed pictures with a scalpel. He also owned a seriously hoppin club in Downtown Los Angeles called Giggles. He hosted a night exclusively for people with mental disabilities, so they could dress up, socialize, and party down like the rest of us. Somehow it ended up being a story in the LA Times. My dad has a copy saved somewhere.
Now to my homie Trevor Davenport. What a handsome, witty, sinister, sarcastic, crackup. He did not like his picture to be taken. I only have a couple tucked away somewhere from my 18th birthday party. I had many rats growing up, they rally do make excellent pets. I inherited a huge male rat, my first male rat. I named him Mister. I think Mister grew a brain tumor or something because he went crazy one day and chased me around the house until I locked myself in my room! After about 30 minutes I got up the courage to grab a laundry basket, sneak out of my bedroom, and trap Mister underneath the overturned hamper. He stayed there until my boyfriend got home from work and was able to grab him and put him back in his cage. Needless to say, I had never experienced that before, it scared me, and I was done with that rat. Trevor was happy to take him off my hands, thank God. He immediately renamed him Mister Sinister, Fitting. Trevor was stabbed to death in Old Town Eureka in Humboldt County, A jogger found him at about 5:30 in the morning. His murderer has still not been brought to justice, which is pretty unnerving. There are absolutely no leads in his case whatsoever. His killer is most likely still living here and still up to no good. That's pretty scary. His parents donated a nice memorial bench to the Sequoia Zoo. It displays a placard with his name on it, "In memory of..." I like to sit there when I visit the zoo.
Then came Maddison, or Maddy. She OD'ed just a few months ago. Fuckin drugs man. Fuck. Such a tragedy. Her family is torn up. We met through a mutual friend and started hangin out 24/7 right off the bat. And that turned into dating. Maddy was cuddly and shy. She always wore a huge coat that covered up her beautiful body. Even though I had a nice, big two bedroom house all to myself, we mainly hung out in her unfurnished apartment. She had one bean bag and we shared it, all scrunched up watching TV or foolin around, We hung out at a bar in Arcata called The Alibi a lot. I loved their brown rice tofu bowl, and she'd always get some sort of sandwich, and we'd watch whatever band was playing that night. Maddy had some darkness inside, like we all do, but she wasn't able to shut it out that well. Maddy was a beautiful and complicated woman.
Maddy and her dreads, me and my mohawk at The Alibi.
Mustache party at Eva's house. Wild night!
Trying to get her to dance was like pulling teeth. Except pulling teeth is possible.
Worn out after a night at Club Triangle.
It's comforting to have an official, widely celebrated time of year in which to honor your loved ones who have passed on.
Onto something more lively --MUSIC!
My last entry was insanely long, but, it was packed full of great music. I'm lacking adventure in the live music department over here in Humboldt. There are a couple local bands I love, I talked a bit about them in my last post. But I am suffering some serious show withdrawal. I did see Lyrics Born and Talib Kweli, courtesy of someone who's pretty dern neat in my book.
Sorry in advance for the crap iPhone 4s pics. But hey, pics or it didn't happen, right?!
As I mentioned, live music withdraw is in full affect. The available selection of non-electronic music guests/options has really dwindled. Ani D used to roll through semi-regularly. Les Claypool and his various bands have made a few appearances in the past. Snoop...uhg, Lion, Pretty Lights. Zepperella still comes through every now and then.
I'm dreaming of Angus and Julia Stone, Phantogram, Regina Spektor, Santigold, Poolside, you get the picture. I guess the only big names that roll through have a love of ganja, and that's their draw. A good show makes you feel alive! It's one of the best damn antidepressants out there. A girl can dream...
I know I keep buggin ya'll to read Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, but you should! This magical man with a brain I'd love to straddle has just published a new book, David and Goliath. In an interview I watched, Gladwell says his newest book expands even deeper on the issues first explored in Outliers. I can't wait to get my hands on this one. I should be smart about this and just buy it. I'm giving our libraries my life savings in late fees.
I'm digging on this book right now:
Zeitoun is the true story of an Arab man and his family's struggles concerning his heritage in a post 9/11 U.S. setting. This conflict is certainly a cornerstone in this man's story, yet it's not the marrow here. His family lived in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina hit. Despite the mandatory evacuations, he stays behind paddling around the ruins in his canoe, helping out in any way that he can. These topics combined make for a winning storyline and an easily digestible read that renders you powerless to put it down. Maybe I'm hyping it a little too much. It's great though, do it.
Of course I also had to do my once or twice a year ritualistic re-read of A Wrinkle in Time, and My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands. "Wrinkle" still gives me chills to this day, and I've been reading it since 1996. "Horizontal" is packed full of raunchy and cringe worthy honest accounts of Chelsea Handler's casual sex fails. It's pretty damn great. Not to mention, it makes me feel a hell of alot better about parts of my own past!
I gave a few hints at the end of my last blog/novel as to what would be the centerpiece of this entry. Of course plans always go awry. Seems this post turned out to be Dia De Los Muertos heavy, a thought that hadn't crossed my brain until I began typing. Anyway, instead of shoving my never-ending and random song inserts down your throat, I decided to pick a theme this time; I landed on the Donnie Darko soundtrack. For whatever reason you can't buy it, only the score is available for purchase. Quite the shame as It's packed full of amazing 80's songs that flow together perfectly throughout the movie. CORRECTION: A somewhat reliable source (Wikipedia) tells me that the soundtrack is available for purchase --in the United Kingdom. Who knew?
How to prepare yourself for this upcoming and totally tubular 80's experience:
Laydies: Locate your Caboodle. You'll need a scrunchie if you're going for a side-ponytail look. Or, you can adhere to the "bigger is better" philosophy using copious amounts of Aquanet in the process. If you are lacking in the perm department, bust out your crimping iron to add a little flair. After picking out your most righteous outfit, secure your fanny pack into place. Like the ponytail, it's not required to wear said fanny pack a bit to one side or the other, but it is encouraged. Later you can remove that hideously heavy blush with just a dab of good 'ol Noxema.
Guys:Simply bust out that Dep hair gel and your favorite comb, hopefully one that opens like a switchblade. Get comfy and stylie in the plush, stretchy, velvety feel of your favorite Velour tracksuit. If a tracksuit just isn't your thing, stonewashed Jordache jeans will do just fine. Make sure there's a set of shoulder pads in your over-sized blazer. If you're feeling particularly fierce, rock those parachute pants! Just as with your laydie counterparts, a fanny pack really does one-up your ensemble and overall look.
Now we're ready!!! Here it is Laydies, Gents, and everyone in between: The Donnie Darko soundtrack (in order of the theatrical version and director's cut.)
Ok, that clearly was not in any particular order, Wikipedia lied to me. It wasn't that climatic either. I really over-hyped that. It sounded like a good idea that one night at a million 'o clock in the morning. I'll have to go back to my last entry and look at the other three or so ideas I had for future blog posts.
It's been a long day after a severe lack of sleep last night. I'm signing off. Stay strong my fellow Spoonies and Loonies, and be well my friends. Be patient for the upswing, the good days. Surround yourself with friends, don't isolate. And listen to music! If I'm not cruisin YouTube then I'm listening to either the Santigold or Lilly Allen Pandora stations. I suggest you give both a try! What a difference it makes!
I'll leave you with a few of my favorite ocean creatures: The Dumbo Octopus How cute is this?!
Axolotl Pure cute!
The Blob Fish. Not so cute. I'd describe it as sad and something you might see in a weird dream.
Live by The Golden Rule folks! Peace! ** Inga-tron **
First off, please excuse Blogger's formatting issues. This isn't the best site to blog on. But I'm here for now, and I do my best to make my blog esthetically pleasing. Not an easy task on this platform. Secondly, this is the world's longest blog. Enter at your own risk
Please note, that I stretched writing this blog out over the last two to three weeks. That's not the way I usually do things around here. But I haven't been feeling all that well. The days I felt well enough to power through, and get out to mingle, were.... **fantastic.** As a result, you will see some strikethroughs when it comes to dates and such. Also, this post is much less concentrated on addressing mental and physical health; though it wouldn't be complete with touching on these issues. This is another loose, one. For fun and for the sake of writing. Just a myriad of (mainly) short 'n sweet anecdotes.
Less health talk...kinda.
Comment back with links to your blogs. Whether they're about your life, physical or mental health, all things girly, or comedy; I love it all. I love reading your stories, comments, and emails. Or chuck it. Whateves. At least stay for la musica. If all you'd like is some music, press play below, then head directly to the end-ish of this post. No matter what, press play below, listen to words, dance it out. Cry over your love life, your non-existent love life, or a past love life,...whateves. CARIBOU - Odessa
Pics of a random night of partying.Two three nights ago. I'm still paying for my late-night streak. Fucking immune system in hyperdrive...
#brolove
#chainsmoker #girlswhovape
Fucking flare ups.Can you say :
On September 15th I will be 30!
This is insane to me. I never...ever...thought I'd live to be 30.
The way I lived during my teenage years, and into my early adult life, was not conducive to living a long and full life.
I certainly do not want to venture back to those times.
This is actually true. I've been through some pretty questionable, at best, phases.
Typically I'm pretty opposed to celebrating my birthday.I haven't celebrated my birthday since I was 18 --if memory serves me correctly. Before I turned 21 I had already been sneaking into a great deal of Humboldt bars. I wasn't about to hand over my ID on my 21st b-day to an already familiar bartender; should they ask,. That's like turning yourself in.
Truthfully, I usually have the birthday blues, and would rather spend the day alone, or with a close friend. I could dissect why this is, but I'm not going to. I don't like planning parties for myself. I don't like being the center of attention. I certainly do not want "the birthday song" sang to me. Lastly, I don't want to open up presents in front of people. It's not that I don't love meaningful, well thought out gifts --I do! But I want to open up that personal gift in front of that person. I want to allow for genuine reactions, appreciation, and thank yous. Not some ohh and ahh in front of guests, indicating that I love each present equally and passionately. I do. I would. It's just that this isn't nearly as personal and meaningful to me. So I guess I just dissected why I harbor disdain towards my own birthday after all. This won't be my only contradiction within this post. I'm basically thinking out loud here.
Having said all of this, I fell like turning 30 is a milestone to be celebrated. I made it this far! Everybody I know says they wouldn't return to their 20's for any amount of money. I'm thinking a bonfire and BBQ at my place; followed by a pilgrimage to....I was going to say the Fortuna bars. But we all know there is only one true bar located in "The Friendly City;" and that would be The Playroom. As trashy and classless as this bar is, I appreciate the anonymity this bar offers, I don't give a shit about anyone there, and nobody there gives a shit about me. Yay. My birthday also coincides with my BFF's (Danni) B-day. She wants to celebrate together, and I like this idea. Her and her finance are super low key. Me rickey.
This is a fact.
My BFF,Danni! I've known her since I was 15. I'm about to be 30; she'll be 29. AND....she's going to have her first baby!! Call me Auntie Inga! She's been with the same wonderful man for 12 feakin years. Hazzah to that alone! I'm so excited. How will I feel when she or he is born? Will I cry? Will I faint? Will I want a baby?!? No....no. I'm pretty sure that last thing won't happen. I may lead a childless life. My mom once said to me: "I was so afraid that you were going to get pregnant as a teen; but you never did. Now I'm afraid you'll never get pregnant!" She wants grandbabies. I'm not sure I'll be the one providing them. Who fucking knows. That is future shit. My mind is not there!
I'm about to be 30. I have 5 more healthy, fertile years until those scary statistics come into play. Not to mention, taking care of myself is a big enough chore. A bunch of kids waking you up all night and early in the morning?! Your life completely revolving around them?! Some people say their lives didn't feel complete until they had kids. Meh....who knows. Anyhow, I'm way fucking excited for them. I can't wait to see them be parents. This is going to be a trip.
Danni, my light! My forever and ever friend! Till the end! Now that's something special.
Disrupting the flow here, but it adds up. Promise.....
When I first started this blog it was called "My Life in a Tent." Several years ago (not this time moving back) I moved back to Humboldt County from LA several years ago in order to power through two years of school. I wanted to try to get ahead in school without the struggle of making ends meet in LA; and without taking out any loans. I also wanted to save my monies for my return to LA. I've always dreamed of living in a converted van or motor home anyway. This was a step in the direction. And yes, I'm obsessed with Tiny Homes.
I'm specifically obsessed with Tumbleweed Tiny Homes. Take a look around and tell me you don't love what you see. Check out The Mica! I want to go to there....
Liz Lemon is my Spirit Animal...FYI
I bought a good sized, "three room" tent from Costco, and put it on a rundown piece of property my father purchased in Eureka. This was not a good neighborhood. Especially for tent living.
From my tent I heard thing like: "Get that fuckin needle out of my car!" (this means the needle is now somewhere near my car, or they threw it over the bushes, right next to my tent.) "I said one hundred, not ninety fuckin five." Drug sales. And fights. I heard a lot of fights.
I don't even want to go into the content of what I heard. Super disturbing. There are a lot of Meth Zombies that do some pretty irrational and violent things --in public. Then there are the drunk, and the same goes to them. Man vs. Man, Man, vs. Woman, ect. Let's just say I called the cops a lot. I had to whisper on the phone so the creeps outside couldn't hear me. I was that close to the every night chaos that was that neighborhood.
I lived in LA during the Rodney King riots in 1992. Cue Sublime. Though I was young, I remember some of the madness. Because my parents couldn't afford a babysitter, my sister and I accompanied my dad to work in Downtown LA. This way, way before DTLA started becoming the gentrified juxtaposition that it is today. Gentrified and in stark contrast to those living in Skid Row. The line between the haves, and the have nots, is not so thin. One minute you're walking past men wearing expensive suits, and the next you're passing a cardboard hut containing a man; somehow sleeping through all the hustle and bustle.
Anyway, my sister and I slept in my dad's van until later in the morning rolled around, and we were ready to rise. Then we waited for a specific Mexican food truck to roll around to get breakfast. Later in the day Dad would give my sister and I a couple dollars to go next door to this Mexican store that sold Chiclets. I couldn't get enough, as they quickly lost their flavor. I loved the cinnamon ones.
Dad worked at Electro Letter. my family's business in Downtown, that was owned by my grandpa and grandma, Electro Letter was not only a paper supply company, but also a hand-crafted photoshopping studio --way before Photoshop existed. I spent time in the dark rooms, pretending to be hard at work with my dad. Outside of the dark rooms I was allowed a scalpel to cut up pictures that were going to be tossed out otherwise. I mimicked the work I saw my father and auntie doing.
We also went with my dad on paper deliveries into the tallest building in DTLA. I believe this is where I developed my fear of heights. At the top most floors of the skyscrapers, I'd peer down on the streets through the huge, smudge-less, crystal-clear windows My stomach would drop every time; but I couldn't help myself. I always imagined the glass giving way; breaking from one too many touches of the hand and weight of a forehead peering through it.
My Grandpa's business was looted and was pretty busted up during the riots There was a lot of broken glass that was once windows A lot of destruction was unloaded upon the business that my grandpa worked so hard to create --as a self-made man. I remember this being very serious and devastating to my family; in particular, my Grandpa.
I don't mean to compare the chaos of the 1992 King riots to what I heard and experienced during my tent days in neighborhood behind the Little Red Lion bar. But the fear was similar. Though living in that neighborhood without the protection that a house offers was a scary experience.
If my sister and I ever acted ungrateful about...I dunno, not getting an ice cream cone, or being impatient with Dad's work day, he would drive us through Tent City or Skid Row, There we literally saw dirty, little kids and their parents pop their heads of cardboard shelters strewn with ratty bed sheets We witnessed little faces popping out of half-closed dumpster lids; to see who was driving through their unprotected neighborhood.. This had a profound impact on us, and shut us up quickly about whatever we were complaining about. I would go on to think about these dives through Tent City for years. I still do. Those experiences, seeing the conditions those people were living in, were unforgettable, eye-opening, and unshakable experiences that had lasting effects on me.
Later on in life, while living in LA, my friend Eric Curtis (ericcurtisphotography Check out his work. Amaze. And you'll see me there too. *Plug) would go on to ride fixed gears (all the rage in LA now) through Skid Row. Notice I said we rode bikes though Skid Row --we dare not walk through it. The only visitors that are welcomed are the Outreach Workers. Another wakeup call on a massive scale. Just indescribable. One of my least favorite memories from these bike rides was seeing two young girls meandering around, They must've been around 12 years old. They were wearing skimpy jean shorts, and they had rolled up their shirts and "ponytailed" them in the front. They were about 12. They seemed completely comfortable there. This upset me greatly. I couldn't/can't stop thinking about what their lives must be like. Were they dressed that way to serve a purpose? After all, sex for drugs of money is a daily occurrence there.
You get the picture.
Makes you feel pretty fuckin lucky, doesn't it?
That was a peak into some of my most deeply ingrained memories.
Here's a video that will make you believe in the goodness inside people. Sometimes, those with the lease to give, give the most. Those who know what it is to be truly hungry, have a record of sharing; even when it put themselves out.
. And onto another chapter...
'Drive;' the neo-noir art house action crime thriller film starring..*chubby alert*: Ryan Gosling. I think he's the only one in history to make the name Ryan sound hot. Such a Rotten Robbie name. Maybe it's just that an old neighbor kid in 5th grade named Ryan stole my bike. He then shot me with a BB Gun multiple times when I dared to retrieve it. Ya, thinking back, I'm pretty sure that's what ruined the name for me. Anyway, where does that 6 Degrees of Separation come in here?! The only blonde I would ever date:
Whaaa?! And I wasn't with you?? I love her!
Fuckin' a boo. Girls compete; but women empower each other.
Uhg, I'm at full mast now.
Now Shhhh and listen to this song from the movie Drive; starring none other than: Ryan Gosling! Kavinsky -Nightcall
I digress,..Tent Life!
One night I woke up to my car window being broken by a large rock. Having been woken up in such a manner, I thought this was a gunshot. To this day I wish to God I would've known what that sound was. I would've rushed out in a hot second with my pepper spray, blasted this lowlife, kicked him in the groin, and detained him until the cops showed. This Meth Zombie stole my rear-view mirror!
Went I went to buy a new one, I found out why it was stolen. These are not cheap. He also stole my dash-mounted, solar powered, golden, good-luck, waving cat that I bought in Chinatown. That cat had seen an ungodly amount of Humboldt <---> L.A. trips; and protected me from tickets and conking out at the wheel during my 12 hour drives. This really peeved me. Obviously none of these things are irreplaceable or essential to my life. Nonetheless, they were mine.
Good Bye Kitteh
Anyhow, I lived in this tent for two years, while working, and going to school full-time. I started reading a lot of blogs written by others who lived strange nomadic, lives. They offered a feeling of normalcy and connectedness through sharing their own experiences; while offering up tips for unconventional living. That's how this thing got started. I was going to keep, and share, a record of my days and experiences living in a tent. It was decked out and super functional after all. I didn't pull off the blogging very well. The amount of homework I had took over my life. In a good way. I love school. Full-time school + Job = no blog time.
After the two year tent stint I moved back to LA, and into an apartment with my BF. It was right behind the Venice Beach boardwalk. You could hear the waves from our windows. My boyfriend and I had already spent two years apart, winning at a long-distance relationship. I missed him, my friends, and LA like crazy. But during my time in LA, my physical illness became too much, the cost of regular life, plus medical bills without insurance was sucking me dry. This blog went untouched for quite some time. Before leaving LA, it was reborn as "Fibro, Sjogren's & Rock n' Roll."
Before I moved back to Humboldt, I posted an in-depth chronicle into my physical health problems. I put a lot of work into that first post. I felt I owed my loved ones an honest account into why I hadn't been able to spend much, if any, time with them. It was easier to write a blog and send it out than to keep retelling the same story over, and over. I got some incredible feedback from that post, which inspired me to keep writing. I was reading other content-related blogs at the time; which were incredibly helpful.
I had a LOT of fun attending a wedding this past Saturday! * Photobombing in effect.
Pictured above, Photo Cred: Andrew Goff of Lost Coast Outpost
Romantic cake bites. I think this photo is also curiousy of Andrew Goff.
Any time spent with Laura, is good time spent. That dazzling woman in the green dress pictured with me, was my date. Laura is always happy, It's crazy. Also, I can tell her anything. She's one of the most open-minded, non-judgmental, fun woman I've ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. I happily accepted her invitation to the wedding.
It's amazing that I was even up for it, considering I'm still off treatment for my Fibromyalgia/Sjogren's/arthritis/scoliosis wtf ever else at this time. However, I hope this will soon enough be a thing of the past. My UCLA and S.F. Rheumatologist appointments are right around the corner. Crossing my fingers sooo hard. Dealing with our healthcare system, and our doctors, can be extremely frustrating. It takes a lot of time, I mean years, and countless trials and errors in finding an empathetic Rheumatologist who really cares. Not to mention, I've already spent thousands in just the last few years on medical expenses. This makes it nearly impossible to afford much else. Paying for a shitty, unhelpful doctor visit is maddening.
Here's what I have to say on the matter:
Humboldt may have some beautiful attributes, but health care isn't one of them.
I digress....
The wedding! For a single woman a wedding means: getting dolled up like you need to know me, delicious foods, an array of men dressed to the dapperness (a few were lookin yummy), and a little good 'ol debauchery. At weddings, the "single ones" come out to mingle, meet new people, and if you're me, you get drunk for the first time in.....I have no idea how long.
I'm definitely still paying for the amount of fun I had. Old news.
I learned about Cornholing. This is not like Cornballing... for all you Arrested Development fans out there...
All the Cornholing, random dancing spurts on the Cornhole field (where else!?) pelting a couple random and willing man crotches with bean bags (one of them in particular seemed to really enjoy this. BONUS: he was lookin like he just stepped out the pages of GQ, not bad at all) and getting drunk, all caught up with me. Yesterday and today I've been sore and tired ---WORTH IT!
Have I mentioned before that I wish House was a real doctor? During my hospital stay he'd make inappropriate remarks about my boob job, ask me if I'm a lesbian because I have a giant pink kitty cat tattoo, and insult my stagnant love life. He'd think I was lying about something; like having sex overseas or being an IV drug user.
Todo mundo mente.
As my doctor, he'd first lead me to the brink of death by putting me on the wrong antibiotic or something.
Then he'd give me a reassuring pep talk.
But the moment before I would draw my last breath, he'd ingeniously come up with the cause and cure. This epiphany would come to him after making a snide remarks about his boss's ass while bouncing a rubber band ball off a colleague's forehead.
Awww, dreams...
Speaking of pain, I do go down to San Francisco in a few days for an appointment with a Rheumatologist that has very good reviews on HealthGrades. This website is probably about as reliable as Yelp; but I hope to Jah//Goddess/Allah/ the universe that he works out. Otherwise I'm trucking down to UCLA at the end of the month. The last five or so times that I've made this drive, I've promised myself each time that it's the last time. I'd rather cut my own wrist off like Hannibal Lector in order to escape that 12 hour drive.
Here are three TENS units that I love and highly recommend. They work by interrupting pain signals from the muscle to the brain. They are game changers. For all you Spoonies out there, I can't I can't tell you how helpful they've been. These are must haves!
The Rebound is available without a prescription, has a two electrode capacity, and is still quite powerful.
The WiTouch by Hollywog is made specifically for the back and is crazy powerful!
It's by Rx only, but I bet you can find it on the interweb somewhere. The remote is cordless and the gel pads have a large surface area. This thing can destroy back pain.
Here we have your standard TENS unit: four electrodes, lots of power, electrodes can be placed anywhere. Again, this unit is by Rx only; but i'm sure you can find it on the internet if you need to.
In related news....
I've decided to push through the pain and fatigue,as much and as often and possible, throw my reclusive nature into the "paid bills" basket, and get out there!
I have places to go, new friends to meet, and 'gents to sweep off their feet. (Yes, Morgan Freeman does have Fibromyalgia.)
I went to Reggae on the River for the first time since 17 years old. My lovely friend Gabe took me. We went on the last day for around five hours. And that, my friends, is how you do Reggae on the River!
Me and Gabe.
BTW Spoonies....
If you feel the need a chair for occasional use, don't be ashamed! Don't think it's silly or dramatic. I wouldn't have been able to go to Reggae if I didn't have one. (Thanks Dad!!) I go to the insane labyrinth that the Westwood UCLA complex is next this month; and you can bet your azzoff I'm going to use it there. Having the choice to use a chair when you need it means more freedom. For instance, standing up is my worst enemy. Walking I can do, not much, but standing still, in one place, is a no. You know that feeling that your body is made of concrete? Ya not fun, and it makes sitting a must.
Take it from my Sister Spoonie:
Do you follow Humans of New York on Facebook? If not, you should! The photographer/quasi-journalist who runs the page has taken his passion out of NY and into the Middle East. He captures wonderful images of seemingly randomly selected individuals, and writes a bit about them. It's very refreshing that Brandon (we're on a first name basis; though he doesn't know this) has this vision to portray the people of the Middle East as your everyday, ordinary humans --surviving extraordinary circumstances. I think this is especially necessary work in the midst of the very Anti-Muslim and Xenophobic culture that has been created here in the U.S.
*** You can find the Humans of New York FB page here: Humans of New York
I've recently seen a few good movies on HBOgo and Netflix that are certainly worth watching if you haven't seen them yet.
Thanks for Sharing Do you enjoy and relate to stories on the human condition and struggle? Hold up, I should've lead with: Would you be interested in watching a movie about sex addiction? Would you enjoy seeing Mark Ruffalo fuck? I didn't know either I would either, until watching this. But hey, I enjoy any movie where the focus is based around fucking. Porn not included. That's a whole other breed. Watch this movie on Netflix. If you don't care for it, make sure to tell me so I can unfriend you.
Reign Over Me I just re-watched this. Wetness was pouring out of my eyes. Also, my nose got all stuffed up and runny at the same time. Allergies I think. Allergies that appeared about halfway through the movie and ended when the movie ended.
#confessyourunpopularopinion: This is the only Adam Sandler movie I would ever watch or recommend watching. In the spirit of Reign over Me:
The Who --Reign over Me:
Disconnect This is not a light watch. It's gripping. It's one of the best movies I've seen in awhile. Deep and intertwining, I highly recommend watching this totally enveloping film.
Dark City Released in 1998, this dark and futuristic film is definitely worth the watch. It's creepy Sci-Fi at its cheesiest best. The lead actor has a certain hottness about him too.
Citizen X I finally watched it. Based on a true story of a serial killer in Communist Russia that takes the lives of 52 victims; mainly children. You really find yourself rooting for the main character; a coroner turned dedicated and determined detective. It is what it is.
9 1/2 Weeks This is Mickey Rourke before he became addicted to plastic surgery. For post plastic surgeries results, watch The Wrestler. Great movie, different face. I thought 9 1/2 weeks was a fun and provocative watch. I even found myself pining over his character a bit. My aunt was right; he was a looker before that plastic surgery addiction took hold!
And then there's Robin Williams...
I talk about mental health often. I speak about it with other people who suffer, and also with those who don't understand it; though face to face interactions. I talk about it on Facebook; and recently in this blog. Something I want to emphasize, is that everybody is born with a different set point. Some people are naturally happier than others. Everybody feels down at some point in their lives. Unfortunate events such as: breakups, divorce, not passing a class, the passing of a loved one or pet, will leave anyone feeling down; or temporarily depressed. But others are naturally prone to living with ongoing, daily depression, Some can go so far down, that they could easily: stay in bed for weeks, stop taking care of themselves, stop eating. They can't bear to have company --from even their favorite people, and cease to find joy in their once favorite activities.
I see a lot of Facebook posts to the effect of: "Happiness is a choice. Choose it!" This may be correct for the person posting it, but it's not entirely true for everyone. Some people spend their lifetimes trying to loosen the grip depression has on their souls. These people were born with a different set point. This is part of their genetic makeup. "Happiness, it's a choice. Choose it!" can be compared to "Being gorgeous is a choice. Choice it!" "Having a big dick is a choice, Choose it!" Don't we all want to be beautiful and well endowed? If it were just that simple, wouldn't everyone choose happiness and big dicks?
Many people spend their entire lifetime trying to choose/feel happiness. They exercise, they eat healthy, they try herbal tinctures, acupuncture, years of tinkering with various prescriptions, some even try ECT. Most people that are not born with a set point of "happy," spend their entire lives trying to come as close as possible to feel happiness, through all of these methods; and more. Nobody wants to be unhappy. Nobody chooses to be depressed. That is not just silly --it's insulting.
This brings me to a point I'd like to make about suicide. We need to stop calling suicide selfish. There are millions of people that go through life trying everything possible to avoid resorting to suicide. Most people do not wish to hurt their loved ones by taking their own lives. Most people do not commit suicide to prove a point, or to get even with someone. Most people that commit suicide, do so after spending a lifetime trying to find happiness; and finding it unattainable. For these people, suicide is a last resort; the only way to end their lifetime of pain, severe depression, and emptiness.
I think that Robin Williams is a great example of the point I'm trying to make. He spent his lifetime making others happy. He had a wildly successful career. He was someone who actually personified happiness. He was also someone born with a genetic predisposition to depression, addiction, and an incredibly scary physical illness.
He wasn't someone who merely experienced the occasional blues. Robin Williams suffered from deep, devastating clinical depression. I'm sure he held off on ending his life for many years, as to not hurt his loved ones. Maybe his closest friends, his therapist, or family knew that he struggled with thoughts of ending his pain. Maybe nobody knew the extent of how much he suffered. I've certainly heard the word selfish being thrown around in the wake of his descent. In the end, Mr. Williams did what was right for him. He had many years to contemplate this, and to battle against his final act. He did what was necessary for him. After years of holding on, and spreading joy all over the world, he gave the world what was actually his final gift.
Robin Williams's parting gift helped to: get a much-needed conversation started, show others just how serious mental illness is, prove that it can affect even the most unlikely individual, and hopefully ease some of the shame in seeking help.
People who struggle with crippling, vitality-draining clinical depression often don't tell others the actual extent of their pain. Everyone who has seen a psychiatrist or therapist knows that if you tell them that you are going to end your life, it's that person's duty as a Mandated Reporter to call law enforcement. You are then placed on a 72 hour involuntary psychiatric hold. Not many people want this. Not many people want anyone to know that they suffer from any sort of mental illness. Stigmas surround many different subjects; and there is an enormous stigma surrounding mental illness.
Not many people want to stigmatize themselves by admitting they deal with some form of mental illness. Choosing to sincerely and genuinely talk about one's own mental illness is an incredibly brave act. It can and help others. It can make others feel safe to do the same. It helps put a face to a diagnosis others may not be familiar with. Lastly, it helps to chip away at the stigma that surrounds mental illness.
On the other hand, talking about your mental illness can scare people off from being your friend or your lover. It often times it makes others think differently of you. It can actually frighten others. I choose to call this a filtering system. It's not something you'd bring up on the first date, but it's something that the affiliated person has to bring up at some point. If that person cowers and runs, they weren't the one for you. If that person wants to learn more about the diagnosis/diagnoses, and learn how the affect you, you just might have a winner.
We all have a list of deal breakers. I typically don't date blondes. I don't date anyone who is rude to wait staff. I don't date very individuals who listen to A Perfect Circle. But you'd be limiting yourself tremendously if any sort of mental illness was one a deal breaker for you.
Firstly, that would automatically eliminate a huge percentage of the population. Secondly, many people have their illnesses under control. While adhering to whatever regimen they do, the illness(es) may rarely surface. Lastly, I quite honestly think there is a spectrum of mental health. I don't think mental illness is a black and white issue. Many people choose to not seek treatment/help. Therefore, many afflicted people aren't diagnosed and don't receive potentially beneficial treatment. I'd bet money that a former roommate of mine would be quickly diagnosed as having (untreated) Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder. We are people, and people are weird. Everyone has something, regardless of what you call that something.
That wraps up the mental illness talk for this post...
Here's a little fun fact for you.
I was very happy to stumble upon this cartoon that illustrates the various ways in which some men abuse their positions of power in how they treat women. Some men think it's normal to make women feel extremely uncomfortable on a daily basis through their catcalls, offensive and sexist comments, and worse. This cartoon illustrateswhat men can do to fight back and serve as allies to women. As a woman, I deal with creepy, sexist, sometimes downright scary and nightmarish situations, on a regular basis. I felt compelled to not only share it, but to write a little about a few instances in which the message applied to me personally.
Can I just do the dog mom thing for a second? I haven't done the whole dog thing yet in my blogging. I have pictures of them in...maybe my first blog? But I've never talked about them. Feel free to skip right past the story of how my precious babies came to be mine. There's more to read below that has nothing to do with dogs.
I love them so much. "Who rescued who" is so right. They see me through my lows, we have fun when I'm feeling playful. They love when I sing to them; they are the only ones I can say that about! When I'm not feeling well, they are happy to chill with me. When need to soak up some ocean or spend some time in the woods, they are always down.
** Dogs are creatures of Love. **
We now have a dog park in my tiny town! I heard about this as I was preparing to move back here from LA and was stoked. I spent a lot of time in the dog parks down there; particularly the Culver City one. They are very different of course, due to our tiny population. LA's dog parks were voted the #1 spot for singles to meet in LA. So far, this one has been a quiet place to read. Nonetheless, my dogs and I are very happy to have it. Muppet Baby was abandoned in Downtown LA. She had been running the streets for about three weeks before someone was able to catch her. I offered to foster her until we found her a home. But her and Frida hit it off instantly, and that was it for me. Frida doesn't care about other dogs, she just wanted pets and laps. But she liked something about Muppet Baby. They clicked.
Muppet Baby when she first came to my house and was a big dreadlock.
This is Muppet Nowadays.
So damn cute!
When wet. RAT DOG!
Frida, my JackChi, (Jack Russel/ Chihuahua mix) I've had Frida forever. She was abandoned in a park in Humboldt County with a box full of her puppies. She'd obviously had puppies much too young, she was emaciated, had a poorly healed broken rib, and was covered in fleas. I came to the conclusion she'd never lived indoors before because it took mea full year to potty train her.
She is my bulldyke and my little old lady old lady. She pees like a male, she humps all males that are smaller than her, she puts other dogs in their places when she feels they're being too loud or playing too aggressively, and she snores. She's probably 13, but she's in great shape. She loves love.
Here's Frida Maria Lupita Aida! Frida for short. Or Frida Marie.
And they fight sometimes.....
But they always make up.
The proof is in this adorable video. Credit: Del
Speaking of love....
I love love. Through what feels like a lifetime of making the choice to walk through numerous and diverse doorways, I've experienced a sundry array of people and juxtaposed relationships.
Bright Eyes -First Day of My Life
So lovely to watch. So sweet.
Did you notice the actress, Daniela Sea, who played Max in The L Word in this video !?!?
I've experienced the desperation of others who were in lonely places. I've received the adoration of others who have put the idea of me on a crystal pedestal. For short periods of time I've permitted diverse forms of emotional abuse from those who relish their position of power. I've waded through the confused minds of others. I've been with those who supply you with just the right amount of sweetness in order to obtain the only aspect me that interested them.
I've also been all of these people. I've taken from others what some have taken from me. I've hurt and I've been hurt. I've had to gently turn those away that I couldn't love in return. My love has gone unreciprocated and strung along. I've strung others along when in need of company; even while knowing I couldn't give them what they needed. Not proud.
That was when I was younger. When I wasn't as sure of myself, what I deserved, or what I wanted. I used these relationships as a way to pass the time. Now, I can finally say with certainty, that I've experienced true love. It was amazing, difficult, sad, and full of joy. I don't do casual/filler/boredom relationships anymore; even when I feel incredibly lonely, and the opportunity inevitably arises. Doing something half-assed is not a fun time filler anymore. It makes you feel more lonely in the end. Jury says: Not worth it.
Dating is/can be fun. It usually doesn't take long to figure out whether it's going somewhere or not. Though, often times humans are purely perplexing. Sometimes your smart gets confused with your want. Sometimes it takes you awhile to decide if something will come of it or not. But really --you know, you just let it linger --hoping. There are times when you may find someone lovely to date, have a good time when you're together, but don't see anything long-term coming of it. This may be a filler, but if it's fun, mutual, and respectful, then make it rain for that short while. But it's important to not put yourself in a position that you know is going to hurt you, or do the same to another. This is rarely the case. And I just contradicted myself.
When it comes to matters of the heart, people get hurt. Inevitably, after the death of a Humboldt relationship rumors will surface and spread. Some of them will be just toxic talk that can't be helped; people will be people. However, you don't want the bad ones to actually be true. Especially when "credible" witness statements back them up. If you want to continue having relationships in Humboldt, you have to treat people well. So, treat people well.
I also know, through experience, that I'd rather be single than in a situation that you know won't work out. More so, I'd rather find comfort in myself than try desperately to pull comfort out of someone who's unable to give it. You can't make love happen, but it's fun to think about; and it's exhilarating to come close to.
She knows what I'm talkin about!
When I do have a lovrrr:
Love: A rare phenomenon that provokes every known human emotion; and doesn't come around often.
This is what I have to say about love:
Dramarama- Anything, Anything
We were Promised Jetpacks- Quiet Little Voices
Humboldt is a pint-sized town where reputations show before your own shadow does. People here have less to do than in a metropolitan area. Gossip spreads like SoHum wildfires. Just as a business does everything it can to uphold its reputation, individuals try to safeguard theirs. Good motto to keep in mind: "What people think of me really isn't any of my business."
You will have some sort of reputation in Humboldt whether or not you are even a part of the social scene. I'm pretty tucked away, don't go out much, don't really date around much, and I'm kind. Someone out there has stories about me, whether they are true or not. People have opinions about me whether I've even hung out with them or not. People that are jealous, bitter, and bored have the most stories to tell. This isn't just me. This is everyone. This is living in a small community.
Subject change!
Here is one of the best Twitter rebuttals I've ever witnessed:
Couldn't have been phrased any better my friend. You win.
And now, a special announcement provided to you today by my sexy & talented friend: **Kandi Licious**
Kandi is an amazing burlesque performer, and a professional go-go dance in one of PA's hottest clubs!
She's known for being an unabashedly opinionated woman with moves like, oh myyy! Here's what she has to say about SEXXX! I just happen to agree with her.
- End Rant on that Love Stuff- And on to music!
Because music is... the...music of the heart. Or something....
One thing about living in LA is that you have ample opportunity to see pretty much any show you want. Most every artist rolls through LA at some point. My Ex-Boyfriend/BFF, Del, is a music blogger for S.Y.F.F.A.L. or, Shut Your Fucking Face And Listen. He goes to an INSANE amount of shows. He often reviews bands and new albums. His buddy, a professional photog accompanies him to capture the show's essence. He goes to shows large and small, and whether he's reviewing their newest album or not. I was lucky enough to accompany him to many of these shows, and soak in some incredible experiences.
Some of my favorite live performances have been: Empire of the Sun, The Gorrilaz, MGMT, Spoon, Fever Ray (lead singer from The Knife,) Thievery Corporation, M83, Foster The People, Little Dragon, The National, Cut Copy, Kele, Hot Chip, The Temper Trap, Julian Casablancas, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, so many more. Such. great. memories.
Here are some songs you need to know; if you don't already.
And some that you might know, but haven't seen the videos for. A certain person, let's call them "Pork," needs to listen to all the songs in this post; and study up. Call it a music appreciation class if you will. This is for their own good, the betterment of humankind, and all the patrons of the Playroom who are forced to listen to Pork's misguided choice in music.
Angus & Julia Stone -Hold On *Me: So, so good.
Bon Iver -Skinny Love
Beach House -Walk in the Park
Chromatics- Lady
Bear in Heaven- You Do You
This on repeat for about 5 yeas now. Do yourself a favor: lay back,close your eyes, and get lost in it.
Twin Shadows -Five Seconds
*Pro Tip: Get past the intro, and enjoy the song. It's worth the wait.
Poolside is described as Daytime Disco. So chill. Kiss you Forever & Do you Believe?
We all know Foster the People for their hit 'Pumped up Kicks'. Do you know Helena Beat as well? Ya, you probably do, and there's no way you can listen to this without bustin a move.
I can guarantee you my ex is rolling his eyes right now. He has beef with these guys over a game of "FrizBeer" that they played at Venice Beach. He claims they cheated, still lost, and behaved like infants over it. He's not an exaggerator, so I'm forced to believe him and his buddies claims.
We must all know The Cults -Go Outside. Great video with real news coverage of the Jonestown insanity!
Cold Cave -Love Comes Close
Does it Offend You Yeah - Dawn of the Dead
Crystal Castles -Not in Love *Featuring Robert Smith of 'The Cure'
Phantogram -Mouth Full of Diamonds
This Penguin Prison remix of Lana Del Rey's -Blue Jeans
Passion Pit- Sleepyhead
Yesayer -O.N.E.
Julian Casablancas (of The Strokes) -11th Dimension
LCD Soundsystem -Dance Yrself clean
God, I want to dance myself clean to this on my 30th, Loud, sweaty, and not giving a FUCK! P.S.wait for it!!!! This gets me so excited. Good things come to those who wait until after the 3 minute mark."Talking like a jerk, except you are an actual jerk; and living proof, that sometimes friends are mean." FUCK! I got to see these guys live!!!
Geezuz, this is close to my heart.
"Never change, that's just who I fell in love with."
LCD Soundsystem -I Can Change.
The Killers- All the Things That I've Done
Empire of the Sun - We are the People
One of the most bizarre and fun shows ever.
Kele, of Bloc Party, has my vote for hottest gay musician. He also has an amazing stage presence. These songs are off his solo album "Boxer." He wrote the album after a particularly difficult breakup.
Kele - Tenderoni & Everything You Wanted
I FUCKING LOVE Santigold!!!!!
Disparate Youth
Lights Out
One more and I'll stop with the Santigold, promise.
My Superman
Bitter Sweet- Dirty Laundry
Iron & Wine- Boy With a Coin
I love seeing live music in Humboldt as well. Live Folk music is one of my favorites. Jazz is the worst. I love watching The Trouble play; they are definitely my favorite local band, as of now. But I believe some new-ish bands have assimilated in my absence, and I hear there are some must-sees. I am going to start doing this more.
UPDATE!
The night before last, I watched a local (Humboldt County) band called Companion Animal; and they blew me away.
I promised myself that I would do Humboldt differently this time.
I told myself I would get some of my projects going here (and I am!) but also, that I would make an effort to meet new people. I promised myself that I wouldn't be a total recluse. There was a time where I felt like I knew everyone in Humboldt; short of the elusive hill-dwellers. I feel quite the opposite now. There are tons of new people here. There are a lot of people that I was once acquainted with, but wouldn't call a friend. I promised myself to get to know some of those people better. I'm doing an okay-ish job. I have a couple projects coming up that will make this a must, in order for said projects to flourish.
I'm supposed to be here now, but I miss my LA friends so much sometimes. I'm really beginning to make myself at home though now. I'm grateful to be reunited with my Humboldt Homies. I've had the pleasure of making some new friends as well! Not bad for a recluse.
But I'm sure that I'm also here for reasons I don't understand yet. Life has a funny way of moving the puzzle pieces around and disguising its plan for you.
It's easy to lose sight of who you are; who you were before you got sick.
For my Spoonies reading this, I don't have to explain. You know exactly what I'm talking about.We are still the same artistic, adventurous, fun-loving, driven, hard-working people. But for now it gets done at a much slower pace. Is it ego that I'm unhappy that people can't see me at my best? It drives me mad daft. It's a huge adjustment. It's incredibly frustrating that new people in your life can't see who you really are.
Alexis Markowitz, I hope you are feeling okay. Much love and many spoons your way!
Health, man. Don't take it for granted.
It's important to take advantage of your good days. My doc says "Even when you feel like shit, show up. You don't have to stay long; but don't lose your social live to this shit." Haha. He's right, and that's exactly what I'm doing more of now. In fact, I've been having fun. I've been meeting people.
Happy thoughts.
Aww. Thanks boo!
~Me.
Blogs to follow:
* Hint: Donnie Darko
*Music that shaped me as a youth and make me proud to be a strong female
*Music that shaped my childhood
*Music that shaped my teenage years In an undecided order
*Posts to be intermittently sprinkled with updates on whatever the fuck else happens in this crazy world of mine/ours.
It's 3:42am. Time for good night meds and a drama via Netflix.
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