I can joke about my mental health.

Hello Friends, Crazies, & Hidden Gems....

            In my recent  blogging adventures, I addressed a little about my personal mental health. I talked a little about some of my diagnoses. I also attached a few videos that addressed BPD and Bipolar in my previous post. It dawned on me today, that though I was sharing a little about myself, I was mainly sharing the stories belonging to the people in the videos. Those videos contained other people talking about their symptoms, their lives, and their experiences. Because none of these disorders are a one size fits all situation, and in fact vary greatly, I really want to talk more about my experience with these disorders. 

           I feel like I owe to others to write about my personal experiences. After all, reading other people's stories, and watching other people's videos has been far more significant to me than reading books that various psychiatrists and medical doctors have written. These certainly have value as well, though they don't bring about those feelings of connectedness, understanding, and support like reading a personal account does. I like raw. I like real. I chose spreading awareness and putting a face to the diagnosis, over hiding. This approach isn't for everyone, but I find it therapeutic; and if it even helps one person feel less alone, then I've done my job. 

            There are many online resources if you want to learn more about Bipolar disorder. One of the biggest things that I want to stress, is that medication, therapy, exercise, ect, all work together to keep us stable, "normal," high-functioning individuals. Many of us, including myself, could totally pass as a person without Bipolar Disorder; if we so chose to. Not in a long-tern relationship, but certainly with friends and acquaintances. 

My diagnoses are as follows:

·         Bipolar Disorder 2

·         Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD

·         Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD

·         Depression

·         Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD

            I can say with honesty that I have myself more put together, in a general emotional sense, than ever before. I've developed a much better handle on my illnesses. This triumph is due to: maturing, gaining life experience, growing into myself, working with a great psychiatrist, and a therapist whom I adore. I have great parents, and great friends. I've been through a lot in my 29 years; and I've learned from my experiences.

       I'll start off with talking about Bipolar Disorder. Two people with Bipolar Disorder may share some of the same symptoms; but most likely do not share all of the same symptoms or experiences. The same goes for BPD, and so on. In addition, the severity of these disorders vary greatly. I want to lay out some facts, try to explain a little more about the differences in Bipolar and BPD, and share some of my experiences. 

Bipolar 2 is very  different from Bipolar 1. 

            People with Bipolar 1 can have an extraordinarily more difficult time managing their symptoms than people with Bipolar 2. One of the biggest differences between Bipolar 1 and 2, is that those who live with Bipolar 1 are prone to having grandiose thoughts during a manic episode. This means that during a bout of mania, those with Bipolar 1 can at times actually believe they are someone they are not. They may think they are Jesus, or a rockstar, ect. For obvious reasons, this can be very problematic, and lead to a huge disruptions in their lives. 

      

            People with Bipolar 1 have much more intense, more frequent,  and longer lasting manic episodes than those with Bipolar 2. Those with Bipolar 1 can experience episodes lasting up to a few months. Those with Bipolar 2, like myself, experience far less frequent manic episodes. When we do experience mania, the episode not nearly as drastic. In addition,  we do not have grandiose thoughts of being someone else. 

      

            Both Bipolar 1 & 2 patients experience the same sort of depressive periods; we do have that in common. These episodes of depressive can dive pretty deep, and last various amounts of time. Everybody's brain chemistry is very different, and everybody is on their own unique cocktail of medication to help suppress symptoms. Furthermore, everybody reacts differently towards a medication. A person typically works with their doctors for years, or a lifetime, on finding the right combination of meds, with the least amount of side effects, that works the best for them. The goal here is to keep the patient somewhere in the middle; not too "up," and not too "down." It's a real life Goldilocks story.

Both Bipolar 1 & 2 patients experience some of the same manic symptoms. Mania can manifest in various ways, such as:

• Rapid thoughts and speech
• Extra amounts of energy.
• Needing far less sleep, or not sleeping at all.
• A million brilliant ideas all flowing to you so effortlessly. Though, these amazing ideas are rarely fully executed, if at all.
• Feeling amazing and on top of the world! Mania can feel very fun at first. 
•  Partying and going out way more than usual. 
• During a bout of mania, you tend to make friends wherever you go. This is due to feeling extra peppy, high-spirited, friendly, and charismatic. People are actually drawn to your high-spirits and outgoing nature during bouts of mania.
• Spending $$$! It's quite easy to go on full on shopping/spending sprees. New clothes, new hair, new toys. This can cause problems for obvious reasons. 
• XXX. I'm talkin casual sex. This can include having sex with people you may not have if you weren't experiencing a manic episode. In addition, one may not be as careful as usual in practicing safe sex.

            I've listed some behaviors that can take place during a manic episode. Please keep in mind that everybody is different, and everybody's mania manifests differently. Also, every episode is different. We are Bipolar snowflakes! And as unique as all of you non-Bipolar snowflakes.

             It's been quite some time since I've had a manic episode; years I guess. Also, Bipolar can go dormant. I experienced this for the last three years or so, up until several months ago. For a few years there, I thought the doctors had made a mistake all along; that I had been misdiagnosed at 18. I thought I was fine off of  Bipolar-specific medications. I was still on antidepressants and an anti-anxiety meds. At the time, I had no idea that Bipolar could lay dormant. I didn't understand this, until "it" made a reappearance, and I made an appointment with a new psychiatrist.

            I told him that for a few years there, I thought I had been wrongly diagnoses so many years ago. I also told him that I was now ready to go back on Bipolar meds; and I re-started them that day. He confirmed that Bipolar can go into hiding at times. In addition, he said that one's Bipolar symptoms can change. This really began to make sense to me. It has been years since I've  experienced mania, but I still have ups and downs; and every day is peppered with anxiety. My Bipolar had changed from the typical mania and depression experience, into anxiety and depression. I have rare glimpses of a mania. Every once in awhile, I feel a manic episode coming on, but it never fully manifests itself. The way I experience Bipolar today is different than how I experienced it when I was younger. Anxiety sucks balls, mania is far more fun. But that's the way it plays out in me now.

The bottom line is: Don't be afraid to love someone, or be friends with someone, that has Bipolar Disorder. You just might be losing out. We are just like you, but with a little extra on our plate at times. 

Borderline Personality Disorder.

       Because of the name, many people associate BPD with Multiple Personality Disorder. These are NOT interchangeable. They are two completely unrelated diagnoses, with completely unrelated symptoms. Now that we have that out of the way, What is BPD? The general public know far less about this disorder than they do with Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, and so on.

      There are 9 criteria used to diagnose BPD. You must fit 5 of these to receive a diagnosis of BPD. The 9 criteria are as follows:

1.      Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

2.      A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

3.      Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

4.      Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

5.      Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

6.      Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

7.      Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

8.      Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

9.      Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

            Sounds pretty fuckin scary right? I wouldn't want to be friends, or lovers, with a person that fit that list to a T!  It's very important to note that this list sounds terrifying because it is all lumped together. It's a basic outline built for diagnostic purposes. When I was younger, mainly in and around my high school years, I could go down the list and check almost all of these off. But, the thing about BPD is, it isn't really a life sentence. Though there is not one medication that is marketed for BPD, there are medications that can help with some of the symptoms. These symptoms can, and do, fade or completely clear, with time, treatment, and personal work. Many concur BPD all together in time.

            A lot, maybe most, of these symptoms have faded for me. I've simply outgrown a lot of these things with maturity and putting lots of personal work into myself.  I'm now what is referred to as a Quiet Borderline. I'm thankful for that. That's just what it sounds like. I still have BPD, but my symptoms aren't nearly as noticeable, or disruptive, as they once were. 

            Besides mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety medication, and a few other types of meds that can curb symptoms, BPD is treated with a specific kind of therapy. This unique therapy is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. There's another type of therapy that is sometimes used in place of  DBT, called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. DBT programs can be difficult to come by outside of  Washington; where the creator of DBT lives and teaches. Amazingly enough, there is one therapist in Humboldt County who practices DBT. As you've probably already suspected, she's not taking any new clients. A person usually completes one to three years of DBT therapy in order to get more control over their emotions, feeling, and reactions. Then they get a pat on the back, a gold star, or a new lease on life. I'm not entirely sure. I'm not going to talk about these in any detail; but you can read about them online if you care to. 

            I've already let you know that while I still experience some of these symptoms to a degree, some have faded completely, and others have toned down significantly. That being said, I'll tell you a little about my experience with these symptoms.

#1 Extreme Reactions

            I have to admit, I do get annoyed easily sometimes. But this is 98% aimed at myself for misplacing something, or not being able to figure out how to do something on my computer. I also get annoyed with slow, crappy Humboldt drivers. The minimum freeway speed it 65. This is not a suggestion, nor is it the maximum speed limit. And you certainly shouldn't be doing 65 in the left lane. Also, if somebody waves you on, go for it. Don't be overly polite by waving back at them to go first. You're creating this a whole Portlandia experience that is just ridiculous; and occurs in Fortuna far too often. Some of us have places to be, and aren't just takin the ol wagon out for a Sunday cruise.

            I have had extreme reactions at times, but not to these things. Getting catcalled one too many times on the same day, will release my inner bitch on you. But why shouldn't it? If you're catcalling, you're disgusting. That's not how you get the attention of a lady. If  I'm bartending, and you call me Sweetie, I'll kindly remind you of my name the first time. If  I encounter a bullying situation, chances are that I may have an extreme reaction to it. All said, I don't believe that I exhibit extreme reactions.

            My strongest reaction is, and always has been, anxiety. It's a monster. I hope to concur this one day, cause It's hell. But for now, I deal. Medication helps, breathing helps, cuddles help. When I was younger, I had problems with my anger. This was in, and around, my high school days. I dealt with a lot of in-school suspensions, I got in a few fights, and I got in trouble with the law a few times. All expunged from my record though; so obviously it was nothing too serious. I'm a safe and fun person to be around. I'm loyal to my friends, and I don't believe there's been a single instance in which I had an extreme reaction, in any context, towards any friend. 

#2 Stormy Relationships 

      I have friendships that I can't imagine lasting anything less than a lifetime. I have one friend that I've known since four years old. Although 12 hours away, and years apart at times, I was the maid of honor at her wedding. In addition, I moved in with her and her husband when I first moved down to LA as an adult. I love them both, she chose the perfect husband!  I love them together. We've been friends since preschool.

        I have another friend that I've hung out with since we were 15. We have years worth of adventures and memories. I love her, and her fiancé. They are some of the best people I know. They always have my back. They have my best interests at heart, and vise-versa. And I'm soon  going to be an auntie-of-sorts to their first child! I couldn't be more excited!! Friends for eva.

      I have a friend and ex-roommate that I adore with all my might. He has a taste for adventure and one of the biggest hearts you'll ever meet. He is wild man, and a gentleman at the same time. Since I no longer live in LA, I have to live vicariously through his underground LA adventures. He is the definition of fun, loyal, and loving.

      My most recent ex-boyfriend, of about 4 years, is my best friends and my favorite human being. He's a remarkable person; cunning, smart, talented, and NO one can top his quick humor and wit. I imagine us being friends forever. He knows me better than anyone else, and he thinks I'm amazing. I must be doing something right. Our breakup was devastating, but mutual; and handled with respect and love.

       My mother and father have been divorced since 1995. I get along very well with both of them very well. I'm incredibly lucky to have loving, caring, and understanding parents who do nothing but encourage and care for me. I'm incredibly lucky to have such parents to help me through my current medical difficulties. I can't imagine battling my physical conditions without them.

      So there you go. I have life-long friends, I have good relationships with my parents, I get along well with people at social events. I'm kind, giving, affectionate, and I have a lot of love to give. I'm the kind of girl who wants to touch my man in every loving and sweet way possible that makes him feel wanted. Love is my thing. Affection is my thing. 

I can honestly say, "I'm worth it."

#3 Self-Worth and Self-Image

       I think it's safe to say, that this is something ALL of us deal with. Some of us think we don't fit in, some of us think we're too fat, some of us think we aren't attractive enough, smart enough, the list goes on. I've been guilty of all these things in the past; and continue to struggle with them today. We all do. We deal with it and move on. 

#4 Impulsive & Dangerous Behaviors

            I've outgrown a lot of my impulsive and dangerous behaviors. With years worth of learning from my mistakes, and growing into an adult, you learn what's good for you; and what isn't. I can still be a little impulsive today; but I'm safety impulsive. Sometimes my impulsiveness can manifest itself as getting a tattoo. Sometimes my impulsiveness manifests with shopping for clothes. Oh, and haircuts! Hell, I've even shaved it all off!  I'm smart about both of my impulses though. In regards to shopping, If I'm not sure about it, I leave it. If I'm sure about it the next day, I go back and by it. I leave the tags on and save the receipt until I'm 100% sure I want it to be mine. That's how I deal with a shopping impulse. 

            As for tattoos, I know that good tattoos come to those who wait; and plan. I have a couple spur-of-the-moment tattoos. Obviously, this is rarely a good thing. In fact, I'm working on a cover-up now! I have gotten pretty compulsive in the past with all of these things. But I know that he best course of action is to wait, and to plan.

            However, in the past I was more compulsive. When I lived in LA, and I got homesick, I would pack my car up and drive 12 hours to Humboldt. Just like that. This was not dangerous behavior, but it was impulsive. I have lived through periods of one night stands and short, pointless relationships that I knew wouldn't last. These actions stemmed from loneliness. I've outgrown this lifestyle; as some of you non-BPD people have. That gets old. It's not just a BPD thing. Nowadays, I'd certainly rather be lonely than date the wrong person.

   

            I've never driven recklessly enough to cause an accident. I do have a little speeding problem though. I'd much rather drive in LA than Humboldt. Cruisin at 80 and lane changes with wind whipping through my hair makes me feel alive! I actually think I'd make an ok racecar driver. I did get another speeding ticket last month. That's enough to make one slow down....most of the time anyway. 

     

            I've tried drugs. I experimented a lot as a teenager. That shit is out of my system! I can't say I'd never do Molly again, under the perfect circumstances, and the perfect person. But it's been a long time, and I have no plans to. In all honesty, I wouldn't even know who to ask for the stuff. I don't even drink anymore. Though on two recent occasions I did. One night I had what was probably the equivalent of a beer and a half. The other night I had three solid drinks and a beer. I had fun, but the hangover reminded me why I don't drink. 

#5 Suicidal Behavior and Cutting

            Probably the most taboo subject to discuss. Never attempted it. Do people with BPD think about it? Yes. Do people with Bipolar Disorder think about it? Yes. Do depressed people think about it, yes! So do others without Bipolar or BPD. When you feel so down that you don't feel like existing, the thought is going to pop into your head. For those of us that live with chronic pain, our days can at times be so excruciatingly painful, that it pops into our heads. Mental pain is difficult to live with. Physical pain is difficult to live with. The feeling of being a burden is difficult to live with. 

           

            I tell myself that something good is in store for me. I tell myself that I was born into a life of difficulty for a reason. I tell myself that I am still one of the luckiest people on earth. As a woman, I was born in Northern America, which is a tremendous start. In some places, being born as a woman is to exit as someone else's property. I have a great deal of freedom. We grew up poor, but always ate. I am lucky to have people that love me, and would help me out if ever I asked.

     

            Cutting is definitely a BPD trait. I'm sure others without BPD do it as well. I don't know the stats on this, but I do know that some do it for attention, rather than release. I'm sure some BPD people do it for attention as well. I am full of scars. Well, my legs were full of scars. In high school, and for a few years after high school, I was pretty tomboy-ish. I never thought I'd wear shorts, dresses or skirts in the future. Or a bikini for that matter! Turns out, I'm a girlie-girl now. And I dress like a hot laydie now. "LA Woman" by the Doors is playing in my head at this point. 

            I have these scars on my thighs and calves. I haven't cut since I was 18. Someday I will get my scars covered with beautiful tattoos. For now, I live with them. I think most people see them and ignore them. But every once in awhile there's that person who puts their head way too close to my body parts and asks about them like they are tattoos. This is more annoying them someone grabbing my arm, and twisting it around while they ask when my tattoo says. I want to slap the shit out of both these types of people. But, I don't. I do however, help them to unhand me, politely.

        

#7 Emptiness

            This is a killer. I think this might be the worst symptom of BPD. Feeling empty, alone, isolated. Feeling so utterly alone, and so, so empty, is one of the most difficult things to live with. Seriously, this level of loneliness is like a serrated blade to the gut. BPD people feel it intensely. Everybody knows what it feels like to be bored and lonely. We feel it on an entirely different level, and almost all of the time that we are alone. The exception to this, is when we are in a loving, fulfilling relationship. This is why we make such good lovers. We get filled up on making our partners happy. We get filled up on making our lovers happy in every way possible. When you're happy with us being good to you, we feel great, and full. Bottom line: serve, chronic loneliness on a deep level sucks balls.

#8 Angerrrrr!

            I mentioned earlier that when I was younger, mid high school and into early adulthood, I had a difficulties with anger. I carried it around, it showed itself, it was no fun; for anyone. When I was probably 20 (?) my sister asked if she could talk to me. She asked me this in the middle of a party I was throwing in my house; so I knew it was about something important. There were guests outside smoking, so she asked if we could sit in my car and talk. I had no idea what was going to come out of her mouth. Was she pregnant? Did she catch some perv stealing a dildo out of my underwear drawer? No, she wanted to talk about my anger problem. 

         

            OUCH! It came as a shock! Though, at the same time, I wasn't surprised, She was right, I had an anger problem; and I knew it. She said that being around me was like walking on eggshells. I cried. Hard. I apologized. I told her I would change. I told her that I would work on it. We hugged. She went back inside. I tried to clean my face up in the tiny sunshade mirror in my old, shit brown, boat of a car. I went back to the party. I shook it off (kinda), regained my composure (kinda), and carried on.

       

             I've tried to be conscious about anger ever since. I've gotten angry and carried way from time to time since then. But, I've come a long way. I'm pleased to no end to announce that I'm no longer an angry person. It's by no means completely gone. Everybody gets angry. But the difference is: I get angry sometimes. I'm not an angry person. Yay me.

This is a great example of something I would never do.

#9 Dissociation 

            I do not need drugs to trip. Dissociation is definitely a trait of BPD, by far the scariest one.  I'll attempt to explain what it feels like when this happens....  

           

            All of a sudden you feel weird. Your head feels kind of light and empty. It's suddenly turned into a helium balloon that's not quite attached to your neck by a ribbon. Your body feels all around numb. You ears feel hollow and your hearing changes. All of a sudden the lighting is different. It's like stage lighting now. You touch your face, but instead of skin, it feels like cold, waxy plastic. You feel like you're in a movie, or in a play. Everything looks, sounds, and smells surreal. Then there's the other people. They all know you are trippin, or at least you think so. They become actors, strangers, harsh. You don't feel safe. You don't know what these people's intentions are. This all just happened so fast! Where are you? Why are you there? What's going to happen to you? Can you walk. Not really, you kind of float instead. One foot in front of the other. But you're on an escalator, just float-walking along. 

       

             I went to the emergency room a couple of months ago. The utterly worthless doctor I had was not providing me with enough anti-anxiety meds to keep me from having full blown panic attacks. I go to the emergency room for help. I start trippin. Dissociation take holds, or casts me off, and I'm probably acting weird. At first, I couldn't stop crying. Hard. Crying so hard I can't open my eyes. When I do the stage lights are blinding. They probably think I'm on drugs. They probably think I'm a danger to myself or to others. I get really paranoid at this point, and... que the auditory hallucinations! 

           

            I hear them say they are going to toss me in the loony bin. I hear them say they are putting an APB out on my car in case I try to escape. I'm freaking out. I DO NOT want to go to the loony bin. A nurse comes in with a 1 mg Ativan and a small paper cup full of water. FINALLY! Can you make it two?! No. I wash it down eagerly. My anxiety is through the fuckin roof! I'm in this strange surreal place that feels like a cartoon. I'm still so scared they are going to lock me up. I get my phone from my purse and text my dad because I don't want them to hear my escape plans. I text "Dad! I'm in the ER. I need you to come save me. I'm scared."

           

            A guy in blue scrubs and latex gloves comes in with a chart. He starts asking me questions. I swear to God he didn't once look me in the eyes once. He asks if my stomach hurts and then quickly, and without asking me, reaches out and grabs my stomach. I'm kind of hunched over, like in the fetal position, but sitting up. He grabs a fat roll. I feel so violated. I can't believe this guy walks in, doesn't tell me who he is, doesn't look me in the eyes while talking at me, and then reaches out and grabs my fucking stomach and pushes on it. This all happened so fast. I felt very violated. He probably wrote me off as some tattooed punk on drugs, that was having a bad trip.

           

            I'm alone again for a long time. The nurse pops her head in and asks how I'm doing. "Fine!" I say, while trying to sound fine. I've been clutching my phone. I call my dad and talk to him in whispers so they can't hear me. I need to know that he's on his way, coming to save me. I play it out in my head. My dad, a larger man, will physically restrain some of the staff while I zigzag around the rest of them, run out the door and into my car, and jet home. I have to remember not to speed so I don't get pulled over. I can't' let this nightmare get any worse.               

            Finally the Ativan starts to kick in. Everything still looks and sounds strange, but I'm beginning to calm down. Thank God. I'm beginning to calm down. The staff will see that I'm normal soon. My dad will be here soon. I'll go home soon. I did calm down enough to compose-ish myself. My dad arrives, but they won't let him in. They take my blood again, like they did when I first arrived. This time, instead of being insanely elevated, it's leveling off. I have to sign a bunch of papers, then I can leave. I meet my dad in the waiting room and thank him for coming. I ask him to come home with me; I can't be alone right now. He follows me home and we chill at my ace until I'm good. 

           

            This happened again at the beginning of this month; a few weeks after the first episode I just talked about. But this time I know what it is. I know what's happening. I told my psychiatrist about my experience, and he gives me the 411 on Disassociation. This time I'm not out of anti-anxiety meds. I take two. I know I'm going to be ok, and that this feeling is going to wear off. I still don't feel safe, but I certainly feel safer than the first time it happened. And this is a much less severe episode. And that's what dissociation feels like.

      

What triggers these episodes? Stressful events, severe anxiety/panic attacks, PTSD, ect.

            Now I've filled you in a little more about what Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder are to me; and a little about how they've affected me. Everybody knows what depression is. Most have experienced it themselves. Some experience it more often, or more deeply, than others. Some do meds, some don't. Some do therapy, some don't. 

           

            As for anxiety, again, most people are familiar with this. Some have experienced it while going through tumultuous situations. Some experience anxiety before a big test. And some, like myself, live with anxiety on a 24/7 basis, for no specific reason at all. I stress out and have anxiety about specific instances, like everyone else. However, GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder is this ever-lingering fuckface shadow that follows you around day in, day out; for no reason specific reason at all. It's faulty wiring of the Fight or Flight response. It's like that response has been taken apart by some dirty Old Town tweeker, spread all over a kitchen floor coated with car engine grease, then put back together all sorts of wrong at four am.

       The OCD is a story within itself. Some parts typical, some parts funny. I may write about that another day. This post is already quite long and I've done enough exposing myself for one day. I still have hand sanitizer next to my bed, in my purse, and in my car. I'll give you one quick, funny tidbit. In sixth grade I was already washing my hands until they cracked and bled. I washed my face with every cleaning product out there, until I gave myself an accidental chemical peel that didn't heal for three months; and I was dusting and vacuuming about five times a day. That's an introduction, not the funny part. 

          In 6th grade I also became obsessed with getting rid of "sleepies." You know, those little eye crusts that you sometimes wake up with? I don't get them anymore, on account of Sjogren's Syndrome, but I did then. I don't know why, but I felt the best course of action was to get them out with a sewing needle. Ya. You have no idea how many times you can poke the white of your eyes with a needle and still have vision. In addition, a friend at the time told me that she would pull a little bit on her eyelashes each morning to get the loose ones out so that they didn't end up as "wishes" on her cheeks. Between taking up this practice, and the sewing needle/sleepy obsession, I ended up without eyelashes for a spell. It's not a good look.

            There is always more to say, but somethings are better keep private from the general public. My closest friends, the ones that have had my back no matter what, and have loved me for years upon years, are privileged (?) to stories from my darkest days. Tales from times when I wasn't taking my meds, and stories from my younger days when I didn't have the hold on my conditions than I do now. Maybe one day I'll write a book, Chelsea Handler style. Changed names, but no dirty detail left untold. 

            I love, and have a great respect, for people who are brave enough to reveal details about their life experiences that most would never dare share. That level of raw, ugly honesty really helps a person feel understood, not so alone, not so "crazy."

P.S.  Remember The Goo Goo Dolls? The 'ol two hit wonders? If you have BPD, give these two songs another listen. Tell me they weren't written by someone with BPD.

"Iris"

"Name"

~ FIN ~